Most days I am just fine: just fine with the career path I have chosen, just fine maintaining a part-time relationship with God, just fine that I have only myself to rely on for my well-being, just fine living a life without a soulmate, and just fine with the thought that I have a crippling disease that will rob me of my youth earlier than most . . . but, today was not like most days.
I made every attempt to carry on with the day, but no matter how much I tried, I just kept wandering in and out of emotional uncertainty. I made a firm decision to attend church for the first time in four weeks, but only because I knew that I would have to miss it for the next upcoming two Sundays due to my busy travel schedule (not the best reason, but a reason nonetheless.) Unfortunately, instead of giving me the comfort I desperately needed, it made me a mushy, teary-eyed mess!
All I could continue thinking about all day is that I just can't get what I need or want in any aspect of my life these days. I was in pain from the moment I woke up this morning--the stress I have been feeling at work over the past few weeks shows no sign of reprieve and my body just can't take the long worknights any longer--and sure enough, I was full of anger by the afternoon at the sheer idea that I have CMT and all the symptoms that come along with it, not to mention everything else that isn't going my way these days.
After returning home from church, I laid in bed drifting in and out of a desperate crying session all afternoon. I just can't seem to find the right solution to make myself feel more healthy and happy. Do I quit my job and move back to CA? Or, is it time for me to re-consider my career choice altogether? Or, can I hold out until I recover from my next surgery? If I decide to leave, can I find another doctor in CA that can do the job just as well?
Yeah, and then there's the question of what to do about the next generation. . . I had worked myself into such a mess by the end of the day that I could be caught reading about permanent birth control solutions on WebMD.com . . .
Sunday, May 30, 2010
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1 comments:
I have these types of days a lot. The most important thing to remember is; there isn't a whole lot we can do about this disease.
Well I know that isn't a very cheerful thing to be told, but it is true. I personally find reality nice.
On the permanent birth control thing; I'm not going to have kids any time soon, and I doubt I ever will. But I know one of the more sucky things about having CMT was not being diagnosed for years. If you decide to have a kid, you can at least give the name of the disease to doctors.
I hope you cheer up. Remember, well this disease sucks, and isn't going away, life go's on.
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